self autopsy

I come home to this empty home and the feeling of emptiness inside that you left me with…

The town does not exist except where one black-haired tree slips
Up like a drowned woman into the hot sky.
The town is silent. The night boils with eleven stars. Oh starry starry night! This is how I want to die.

Anne sexton

I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life and I’m more at peace with that than ever before. I feel there is so much I want to pursue so much I want to do and becomeand so much knowledge I want to attain before I leave this world. I spend a lot of time alone as of lately. I have more distant from everyone than I have felt before. I don’t mind spending days in a row completely alone at my house. I often sit and do nothing but think for hours and I really enjoy it. I don’t want to work hOnestly I would prefer to go back to school and I’m think about art school even though ive kind of distanced myself from art over the years. I hope one day I could get back to the way I once was with art and poetry everyday. It was my life. I just want to live pursuing my talents and become inspired again to paint and write and play violin and study and read meaningful literature. I don’t know how to handle certain things in my life but I know th

Lately it’s been hard to find comfort in anything I do. It’s awful that even art and music don’t bring me the solace they once did. Ive miss the comforting solitude in loneliness. At this moment I feel a sense of peace I haven’t felt in a long time though and I am so incredibly greatful for it. The comforting darkness of my backyard and red starless sky bring me back and remind me of the summer that I spent so many nights completely alone like this stairing into the endless sky and having such profound ephinies. I drifted night to night in a nostalgic dreamstate where I often contemplated the meaning of reality and of the infinite endlessness that exists beyond all of the trivial lives we live here. I found such enlightenment through my sorrow.
I want to go back and live in this place again even if it is melancholy. I want to think again. I want to feel again. I want to find meaning again.

If we understood the power of our thoughts,
we would guard them more closely.
If we understood the awesome power of our words,
we would prefer silence to almost anything negative.
In our thoughts and words we create
our own weaknesses and our own strengths.
Our limitations and joys begin in our hearts.
We can always replace negative with positive.

~ Bettie Eadie (from ‘Embraced By the Light’) ~

The ghost of a girl
I once was
Sits beside me
At the window
And reminds me
To be strong

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.
-Anne Lamont

It is a good idea to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
-James Douglas

We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
Saul Alinsky

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.
Henry David Thoreau

Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.
-buddha

“Abandon this fleeting world, abandon yourself, then the moon and flowers will guide you along the way” -ryokan

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages. -Shakespeare

Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress. Gandhi

Pieces of a life passed by drifting through the dark sitting at the window at the edge of time endlessness unfolding the eternal memoirs of madness in a cloud of nostalgia so thick and sweet with pages and pages of star lite wisteria and gardenia revories orphan eyes stand at the edge of eternity whispering sonnets into the depths of night.